Always Remembered
by theweirdworder
Summary: On the first anniversary of his brothers' deaths, Neal visits their gravestones, making the decision to always remember them but move beyond his crippling grief. Submitted for the April JoGeNuNaRo prompt 'Always.'


Always Remembered

The day officially marked a year since their deaths. Neal took a deep breath and tried not to cry as he stood at their gravestones. He felt he could barely stand, could barely breathe, could barely just... be there. His body felt to heavy and clumsy to move, and his clothing was itchy and hot against his skin; he felt that at any given second his feet would give out and he would sink through the ground. Once more the reality that they were dead sunk in, and it was hardly any easier to take in than it was the year before.

The gravestones of the two Queenscove brothers were placed side-by-side in the midst of all those who died in the Immortals War.

The memory of them was a presence that always lurked in his mind, either consciously or subconsciously. Just training for knighthood was a reminder, just seeing something that either of them liked or had any association with, just living and knowing that they were not.... It all reminded Neal of them.

He was standing there because he knew that he had to move on. That it couldn't be like this anymore. They wouldn't want him like this anymore and he didn't want himself like this anymore. And quite frankly... He couldn't survive being like this much longer.

He opened his mouth to talk to them, but had to pause as he felt his throat clog up.

He wondered if it would have been easier if his family had come, like they offered, but then pushed the thought away. No. This was something he had to do alone.

He let the hot tears of everything he had been holding in for so long pour out, so they wouldn't be as likely to when he spoke.

When he felt he could not cry anymore today, he took several deep breaths.

The speech he was about to give was extremely important. He didn't know if his brothers could hear it, but he had to give it a shot. If he wasn't doing this for them, he was doing this for himself.

''Colin, Mason,'' he began, ''I love and miss both you terribly, as usual. Life just hasn't been as interesting or worthwhile without the two of you here. Dad has to be all tough because he has a job to do, but I know he's hurting inside. I know it killed him that when he had such a strong Gift, he couldn't save either of you. And Momma... She's barely getting by. I've been trying to be tough but... it's just been so hard.

At this point, he paused, feeling his voice grow raspy. He pushed down the tears because he just simply couldn't cry then. He waited until he thought he had composed himself enough, before speaking.

''I don't know how the both of you got through training. It's grueling, even though I'm older and supposedly better. And Lord Wyldon, the Stump? He's so... Ugh, sometimes. I don't know how you got through him, especially you, Colin. It wouldn't kill the man to smile every once in a while, and to take a joke.

''I suppose I don't have it as bad as my sponsor. Her name is Keladry of Mindelan; the guys call her Kel for short. He's really rough on her, along with these guys but... She takes it really well, doesn't do anything. She reminds me a lot of Jessamine, because she's just so determined to get her training and to stick up for others.

''Everything reminds me of you there, just being there is... And that brings me to why I'm here. I can't do this anymore. I can't go on grieving like this, and just being unable to do things without wanting to just break down.

''I'll always love you, and I'll always remember you but... I can't go on like this anymore.''

He paused and found that he had no more to say.

So he stood there for a moment, still and unable to move.

He _would _always miss and love and remember his brothers; he wasn't lying about that. Colin's prankster ways and casual laugh would always be with him, along with Mason's eagerness to help and determined glaze.

But he _couldn't _go out living the rest of his life in crippling grief while living behind fake smiles. He couldn't stop living because his brothers weren't. It's not what he wanted, and he was pretty sure that his brothers wouldn't want him to also.

He hoped his brothers would understand.

He finally turned around, and walked away from the both of them.

He felt a final tear slide down his cheek. It was hot and wet and emotion-filled. Without a sound, it fell to the ground.

**Okay... so this is my submission for the April JoGeNuNaRo challenge, ''Always''. I admit I spent a couple days stuck on this but then when I was editing a TP Wikia page about Neal, I saw the fact about his brothers. I hope you enjoyed it; I enjoyed writing it! **


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